i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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