dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
