I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Pooping to opera.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
