On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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