i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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