Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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