I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
