how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
