I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
