found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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