if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
