don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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