I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
