You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
