Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
