Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
