saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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