apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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