Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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