you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
