i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
