I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
