non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
