I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
