It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
