here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
