You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
