i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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