I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
