My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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