I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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