I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
