Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the day after is always just damage control
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
