we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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