My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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