Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
