The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
