I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
