just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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