Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
