Nicole vs. Life
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
