coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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