We're facebook friends in real life
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
