i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
only if we run a train.
done.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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