hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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