Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
