After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
