Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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