O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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