Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
