If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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