Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
