my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
