I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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