His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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