my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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