Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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