just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
