Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
